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Long time no post

So: here’s a revelation.

I haven’t lost any weight.

I’d still like to but–I can’t do it. I can’t punish myself. Going on stupid calorie-restricted diets is not a viable long-term solution. Hell, it even backfires in the short-term. I end up feeling depressed, and I lash out and I end up bingeing. And then I fast to make up for it, lather, rinse, repeat.

I have to not hate myself.

I went to see my dietician on the weekend. I asked about the 5:2 diet. She said “That can be beneficial for people who consistently overeat. That is not your problem. You do overeat, but it’s inconsistent and interspersed with fasting. You have to learn to eat normally, and you have to eat that way for the rest of your life. You have to get out of the diet mindset.”

We were talking about treats and she said “Be honest. If your diet consists mostly of treats, how do you feel?” and I flashed back to the uncomfortably full, headachey blerghy feeling.

I’ve had a couple of health scares lately. Blood pressure that’s too high (turned out to be stress).

I do have to be calorie AWARE. I have to have an idea of how many calories I’m eating, but it shouldn’t be my main focus.

At the moment, I’m just focussing on eating three meals a day, as unprocessed as possible. I’m trying to keep my meat intake around 100 or so grams a serve.

I’ve had the mantra “Just make better choices” going through my head. Instead of mayo, I put mustard on my roll. Half my plate is vegetables. I went to the supermarket and they had fresh-squeezed orange juice which smelled awesome. So I bought a whole orange and ate that.

Once a month at work, we have zaatar for breakfast. It’s a lebanese pizza-ish bread sprinkled with salt, oregano and sesame seeds. It’s very tasty, but low in protein and a little higher in calories than I’d usually aim for.

I had a protein shake before coming in, and I had my zaatar. And I had soup for dinner.

R. (dietician of awesome) assured me that eventually my hunger WOULD direct how I ate. That if I continued having three meals of around that size, that eventually my body would respond. I’m not sure, but I guess I’ll see.

Small victories. The other night I’d not eaten all day apart from a slice of cake. I was feeling headachey and nauseated, but not hungry.

I had soup in the fridge. I ate it and felt better. Baby steps, I guess.

Prepping food turned out to be a big issue for me. Because it DOESN’T always happen and then I go into a tail spin. I have to be able to eat food when I’m buying takeaway and still make good choices.

I’ve discovered that I CAN make better choices. Instead of having goat’s cheese AND meat on my roll, I just have lean deli meat. Instead of buying a HUGE, dense, white bread ciabatta, I buy a smaller wholegrain roll and stuff it with salad.

I’ve signed up for personal training because if I make a commitment, I will actually go. I’m still doing ballet.

I’ve lost a kilo over the last month, and I’m pleased, but I’m trying not to make it my focus. I want to be able to run 5km. I want to be able to do sautes in ballet without my ankle hurting.

Day by day. Not a focus, just the way things are.

Now I need to go buy my wholegrain roll, some salad and roast beef.

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Why this space?

One of the reasons that I like this blog (and obviously, I continue to write in it because I like it) is because it’s so disconnected from “real” life. You see, in real life, women are simultaneously expected to be beautiful and strive for beauty, but achieve beauty without any effort and continuously be unaware of this fact. “Pshaw,” they are supposed to say dismissively. “This old thing? I just threw it on.”

This is both impossible and complete bullshit.

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