Archive for the ‘ thinky thoughts ’ Category

Long time no update

Oh wow. So, simultaneously, nothing has happened and a lot has happened.

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Oh god. GIANT TRIGGER WARNING

So, I followed Captain Awkward because it served me to have my reading in one place. And I wanted to comment, so I did.

People have been following that link back. People stumble across this blog from who knows where–and I’d just like to take a moment to say, please take care of yourselves. This blog is about weight loss. I have disordered eating. I’m trying to lose weight–under medical supervision and in a healthy way.

If this is going to harm you or trigger you, please tap out now. More specific details below the cut.

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All or nothing is not a viable approach for me

So, it’s been around three weeks since I updated.

In those three weeks, I basically gave up. My ankle hurt all the time and I couldn’t exercise. I ate rubbish, I ate lots of it, and I ate infrequently. I also drank alcohol. It’s the unholy trinity that combined to make me so damn fat in the first place. There was even a two day period where I lived on cake. I actually typed this out in an email to a friend, so I’m going to copy and paste below.

You know that I’ve been feeling like crap because I don’t eat often enough and then binge eat? And basically I’ve been scared to hop on the scales again because JESUS CHRIST, it is such hard work and after my three week long tantrum where I have been living on cake and alcohol, I was all “MOTHERFUCKER, I HAVE TO START AGAIN?!?”

And part of the problem is that this is a self-perpetuating cycle, I don’t have the energy so I don’t take care of myself, so I live in filth, so I feel gross and can’t take care of myself, so I don’t have energy, etc. You get the idea.

At work, K has said “OH HEY, there’s this challenge starting next month, it’s designed to sell their supplements but I figure that’s only an issue if we get into the top ten. They provide a diet and exercise plan for free!” and I was all “Well, there’s a gym across the road, and I am far more likely to stick to a three month effort if we’re exercising together…” and she was all “FANTASTIC it starts at the end of the month, so let’s sign up and motivate each other.” (I’ve looked at past meal plans, and it’s pretty much what I eat now, except more food because they’re exercising more.)

And then I was all “I have to stop this. I’m eating one meal a day and that’s a HUGE meal, and it involves goats cheese, which while I am not allergic to it in the same way I am to cow dairy, it makes me feel like crap.” But I just didn’t have the ENERGY to cook something. Then I read this:

http://captainawkward.com/2013/07/06/little-things-that-people-say-that-totally-shift-your-perspective/

And I thought: holy shit. I can’t start because I lack energy and I lack energy because I can’t start. But you know what I can do? I can pour some cereal into a bowl. (Please note that the Captain does not want diet/weight loss talk in her blog, because it’s triggery to a lot of people.)

So I bought some cereal to work and made sure I ate it in the morning. I was still eating crap at lunch/no dinner. This went on for a couple of days. Then, I went out on the weekend and bought some chicken breasts. I was all “IT’S LATE AND I WANT TO GO TO BED” but I went “Self, come on. You can do this” So I skinned all six chicken breasts, froze three of them and cooked the other three and put them in the fridge. And it only took me 25 minutes and most of that was waiting for the chicken breasts to cook.

The next morning was so, so hectic and I was running late. But I still managed to throw a couple of handfuls of salad into a container, chop up half a tomato and slice up some cucumber. It wasn’t a GOOD salad, but it was a salad. So I ate breakfast, and a healthy lunch.

Then I went to the supermarket and bought a can of pea and ham soup. And I had half of it and a couple of pieces of bread for dinner, and a protein shake as well. And then I went for a half hour walk.

This morning, I got up and I stepped on the scales. Yes, they’ve gone up. Do you want to know how much they’ve gone up over the three weeks that I’ve essentially been throwing a tantrum?

1.8 pounds.

That is NOTHING. I can vary that much over the course of a day. That’s less then a kilo.

So right now, I am starting back into feeling fantastic. I don’t know whether the scales are going to go down, but they should. I have enough energy to go to the gym and hop on the exercise bike for an hour and I’m GOING TO. I have healthy soup in the slowcooker, a serve of pea and ham soup in the freezer.

I CAN DO THIS.

UGH

This is an old entry. I’m publishing it as a reminder to myself because the weekend is coming up and THIS STUFF HAPPENS. So I need to plan for it and circumvent it.

Basic summary: one day of the weekend I was AWESOME and prepped my food and took it out with me and STUCK TO IT even though I was out and about. What I didn’t do was drink enough water, but that’s hard to do when you’re out and about (and not always within handy reach of the facilities…)

Then the wheels fell off. I fell into my usual trap of “Wake up late, eat late, go out, forget to eat, lose the ability to cope, eat junk, want to eat more junk because sugar hit.”

Now today I’m feeling like crap. But the good thing was I made my lunch and packed my snacks last night, so I have support for making good decisions.


So. I don’t have [sport I attend religiously] this weekend. This frees up my weekends considerably. Still, I’m actually feeling fantastic at the moment. A combination of exercise, good diet and sleep has meant that I’m feeling fantastic. So. Things I have to do this weekend.

  • Make a shopping list
  • Go into costco.
  • Make soup
  • Go to a friend’s housewarming
  • Make kale chips

In addition to that, I’m going to go for a huge walk on Saturday. I think I’m going to make a practice of going out for a walk at least one day on the weekend. I really feel energised after last week.

My challenges for this weekend are threefold:

  • Get up at a decent time to put soup on, so that I can get out the door and get to Costco before the entire population of [city] descends on it. Prepare my snacks the night before. I know what I’ll be doing and when, so eat to support it.
  • Make sure I take enough water. Yes, that probably means ensuring I drink a heap at lunch, taking two bottles with me (one to leave in the car), and then refilling them before I go to the party.
  • If, at any time, things become too much, I will just leave. I have the ability to do that.

The hardest thing about taking care of myself is actually being realistic about what my capabilities are. I get stressed and feel frazzled when I don’t eat, or when I’m around people too long.

I’m starting to think that this entire process is not actually about losing weight. It’s about learning to take care of myself.

 

 

 

Actually starting to listen

So, one of the things my dietician was red-hot on was “LISTEN TO YOUR BODY”. I was all “… lady, my body never told me not to when I got fat, so…”
Anyway. I’m trying to draw a line between “I have to eat every 2-3 hours” and “I’m not hungry.” I’m trying to eat something, even if it’s a piece of fruit.

 

There is room in my calories for a cookie or two. I ate my lunch and then I was all 😀 “… cookies nao?”

Then I paused for a second.

I checked my hunger levels. Nope. I’d just eaten lunch an hour and a half ago. Not hungry.

I waited another three quarters of an hour. OK, I was starting to get a little hungry.

I thought of eating a cookie. Nothing.

I thought of eating a banana. I started salivating.

So, I’m listening to my body. I’m having a banana, rather than a cookie.

It’s what my body wants, after all.

It’s just weird.

Well. A load of worrying over nothing.

My mother just cancelled our trip away for my birthday. I understand that her job is uncertain and she needs to save, etc. I do feel a bit disappointed, and I wish she’d said “But I will cook you a meal! Come over for dinner!” instead.

Well, I’ve been an adult and said “Are you in [city] that weekend? We could catch up for dinner.”

I’ve also contacted two friend and I’m seeing one of them on Friday night and another one on Saturday. I may get my nails painted or my eyebrows done or something on the Friday that I have leave for.

In general, ugh, and she is not going to ruin this. Hell–it’s going to mean the food thing is a non-issue and I don’t have to worry about her “forgetting” that I’m allergic to dairy and then me spending the evening hunched over the toilet.

OK. I was sad, now I’m going to have a fantastic time.

Feeling my way

So, I honestly don’t feel hungry much. Or rather, I feel… english doesn’t have the words.

I feel hungry. What may be low blood sugar. But I can feel that while simultaneously feeling like my stomach is full–like around now (when I’m writing this), two hours after lunch. I had a huge salad with poached chicken breast. I feel physically full, but like I want to eat. It’s odd.

(note: as I type this, I had a soy yoghurt. The effect was immediate, too fast for blood sugar. So, that’s a psychological effect then. Interesting.)

Anyway, I’ve been reading and reading. Every thing I read does suggest that I should be eating more than I am. The thing is, I am eating more now (in terms of volume) than I have for a long time. The fact that I’m no longer eating cheese or bread, both of which are relatively dense in terms of calories to volume, probably accounts for it. (I say no longer, I mean, lunch is a huge amount of salad and a serve of chicken rather than lunch being a large roll with brie, beef and roquette. Volume-wise, they’re about the same. Fibre-wise and calorie-wise–not even close. )

I do have noticeably more energy. Every calculator (and for the record, this one seems really accurate) that I put my weight, age and height into as well as my basic level of activity tells me that my BMR is around 1,585 calories.

Maybe I should eat more and see if I lose weight? I don’t know.

I guess it’s a holding pattern until Saturday, when I talk to the dietician.