Archive for the ‘ enforcing boundaries ’ Category


This is an old entry. I’m publishing it as a reminder to myself because the weekend is coming up and THIS STUFF HAPPENS. So I need to plan for it and circumvent it.

Basic summary: one day of the weekend I was AWESOME and prepped my food and took it out with me and STUCK TO IT even though I was out and about. What I didn’t do was drink enough water, but that’s hard to do when you’re out and about (and not always within handy reach of the facilities…)

Then the wheels fell off. I fell into my usual trap of “Wake up late, eat late, go out, forget to eat, lose the ability to cope, eat junk, want to eat more junk because sugar hit.”

Now today I’m feeling like crap. But the good thing was I made my lunch and packed my snacks last night, so I have support for making good decisions.

So. I don’t have [sport I attend religiously] this weekend. This frees up my weekends considerably. Still, I’m actually feeling fantastic at the moment. A combination of exercise, good diet and sleep has meant that I’m feeling fantastic. So. Things I have to do this weekend.

  • Make a shopping list
  • Go into costco.
  • Make soup
  • Go to a friend’s housewarming
  • Make kale chips

In addition to that, I’m going to go for a huge walk on Saturday. I think I’m going to make a practice of going out for a walk at least one day on the weekend. I really feel energised after last week.

My challenges for this weekend are threefold:

  • Get up at a decent time to put soup on, so that I can get out the door and get to Costco before the entire population of [city] descends on it. Prepare my snacks the night before. I know what I’ll be doing and when, so eat to support it.
  • Make sure I take enough water. Yes, that probably means ensuring I drink a heap at lunch, taking two bottles with me (one to leave in the car), and then refilling them before I go to the party.
  • If, at any time, things become too much, I will just leave. I have the ability to do that.

The hardest thing about taking care of myself is actually being realistic about what my capabilities are. I get stressed and feel frazzled when I don’t eat, or when I’m around people too long.

I’m starting to think that this entire process is not actually about losing weight. It’s about learning to take care of myself.





Well. A load of worrying over nothing.

My mother just cancelled our trip away for my birthday. I understand that her job is uncertain and she needs to save, etc. I do feel a bit disappointed, and I wish she’d said “But I will cook you a meal! Come over for dinner!” instead.

Well, I’ve been an adult and said “Are you in [city] that weekend? We could catch up for dinner.”

I’ve also contacted two friend and I’m seeing one of them on Friday night and another one on Saturday. I may get my nails painted or my eyebrows done or something on the Friday that I have leave for.

In general, ugh, and she is not going to ruin this. Hell–it’s going to mean the food thing is a non-issue and I don’t have to worry about her “forgetting” that I’m allergic to dairy and then me spending the evening hunched over the toilet.

OK. I was sad, now I’m going to have a fantastic time.


I just incepted my mother into enforcing my sobriety.

There is a family history of alcohol addiction/abuse. My mother drinks to levels that… well. They are above recommended levels for daily intake. That’s her choice–she’s an adult. So long as she doesn’t get behind the wheel of a car, I don’t care.

(I do, however, think she’s in denial of this fact. And I hate that I cannot refuse a drink without it being a BIG FREAKING DEAL.)

Anyway, we were on the phone last night, so I thought I’d strike pre-emptively.

Me: Oh hey, I’m not drinking for three months.

Mother: Good for you!

Me: Yeah, I was drinking too much, so I decided to give up for three months and then only drink when I’m out/with friends afterwards.

Mother: Well, you know you can have two glasses of wine healthily, right?

Me: Yes, but the size of a “glass” is not the size of a standard drink. There are 7.5 to 8.4 drinks in a bottle of wine.

Mother: So about 150 mls.

Me (internally): No, that’s around 90 mls.

Me (out loud): Anyrate, it’s amazing how this sorts out the people who are uncomfortable with other people being sober.

Mother: Oh, I’m sure that’s not it.

Me: No, seriously. You refuse a drink, you shouldn’t have to keep refusing because they keep asking. It should be your choice. Personally, I like being a probationary driver, because it means I have an iron-clad excuse for not drinking alcohol.

Mother: Well, I would NEVER insist after someone said no.

Me (cheering internally while trying not to die of irony): Of course not.

(The other note here is that my mother LOVES being able to tell me to suck it up and just do stuff.)

Me: So, it’s a bit depressing, I won’t be able to drink on my birthday.

Mother (sternly): Well, if you can’t enjoy yourself without drinking then you should look at your relationship with alcohol. You can just have a lemon squash!

So. I may have just incepted my mother into enforcing my sobriety. Yay me? Now, if I can just get her to accept me leaving food on my plate, I’ll be golden.

I did that

When I started this diet, I looked at what I was eating. I have a sensitivity/allergy to dairy, which meant that I permanently felt like I had a low-grade fever. Muscle aches, joint aches, lethargy. The trouble is, I LOVE cheese, and the effect creeps up on you.

Now that I’ve been strictly dairy-free for a week, I’m really really noticing the difference.

The same with alcohol. When I started, I honestly looked at the level at which I drank. Three glasses of wine or three beers a night. The trouble is–those weren’t standard drinks. A bottle of beer contains 1.4 standard drinks. A “glass” of wine is also more than one standard drink.

It officially met the [country I live in]’s criteria for binge drinking.

It was only at home. I never got a hangover. I didn’t HAVE to have a drink–if I was out, or busy, I just wouldn’t and I wouldn’t notice.

I stopped drinking purely because of the calories. I missed it for two nights, but not anymore. I miss the taste of wine or good beer, but not the calories, not the effects (I’m sleeping better).

I think when the three months is up, I will drink again. But I will limit myself to one glass/beer, and only when I’m out in public/with friends.

My friends are respectful of me not drinking. My family is not going to be. Every single occasion is celebrated with alcohol. My birthday is in a month’s time, and I’m going away to [another city] with my mother.

This is going to be… difficult.

Things that tick me off

Food does not have a moral value. It isn’t good or bad, it just is. I need to eat it to live, and yes, it’s tasty.

For me, the question comes down to: Does this help my overall goal. My overall goals are:

  1. Be healthy. At the moment, this involves getting my cholesterol down, getting my blood pressure down, stopping my knees from hurting.
  2. Be happy. Exercise will help me with this.

At the moment, cake does not fit into my overall goal. It’s very calorie dense and while I COULD fit it into my calories for the day, I can’t do so and not feel ravenous a couple of hours later.

Then there’s carb crash. The thing you need to know is: I am a scientist. I observe causes and effects and sometimes treat my own body as if it’s part of a scientific experiment. What I have observed is:

If I eat a huge meal comprising mostly of high GI foods, even if I don’t under- or over-eat my allotted calories, the next day I will feel ravenously hungry, weepy and moody.

I can eat the cake. But it doesn’t help me with where I want to be, and I eat it in the knowledge that the next day, I’m going to feel horrible. Cake’s not bad. Neither am I if I decide to eat it. I just don’t want to at the moment, thank you.

I refuse to feel guilt connected to food. I have knowledge. I am in control. Sometimes, hunger or cravings will lead me to make decisions that don’t support my overall goal. That’s fine, it hasn’t wrecked my chances forever, it’ll just take a little longer to get there.

The main thing is not how many times you fail, but how many times you keep trying until you succeed.