Oh god. GIANT TRIGGER WARNING

So, I followed Captain Awkward because it served me to have my reading in one place. And I wanted to comment, so I did.

People have been following that link back. People stumble across this blog from who knows where–and I’d just like to take a moment to say, please take care of yourselves. This blog is about weight loss. I have disordered eating. I’m trying to lose weight–under medical supervision and in a healthy way.

If this is going to harm you or trigger you, please tap out now. More specific details below the cut.

Basically, I have problems being a functional adult. I live in an environment that’s filthy. (I live alone, plus cats. No one to blame but me.) I have assorted brain-weasels of varying degrees of rabidness. I have problems with my level of alcohol consumption. I display disordered eating.

And I’m fat. It’s impacting my health. High blood pressure, screwy cholesterol, raised liver enzymes, back pain, kneecaps that dislocate with two fingers, asthma. In a very minimal way, I do care a little about what size I am–airplane seats would be nice to fit in, not getting heat rashes between my thighs in summer, and buying clothes in a regular store instead of a plus size store would be great.

I’ve sought medical professional advice for all of the above. Also, I have an ornery streak of feminism that basically says “I have the right to say how I feel in my body and try to change it if I’m not comfortable.” Soooo, if you’re telling me that losing weight won’t help the above, then Imma have to refer you back to 1) my doctor says it will, 2)when I am about 22 pounds lighter, I don’t get these problems. Well, except for the brain weasels, and they’re a whole ‘nother kettle of fish, and 3)fuck off, and kindly don’t tell me how I feel. Thanks.

(I try to respect other people’s spaces/bodies, and don’t tell them what to do unless they ask. Please don’t be an asshat. If I am ever an asshat to you, please tell me so that I can apologise and make amends.)

In addition to the above, I actually kind of resent the fact that I have to eat. I’ll go without food for several days at a time, then binge on fatty, salty, empty-of-all-but-calories stuff. I’ll eat until I physically hurt.

The one thing that my doctor comes back to is: losing weight will help a lot of these problems. She gave me a referral to a dietician.

After the dietician got over her horror at my eating patterns, she sat down with me to provide suggestions that focus on eating to my hunger, and eating regularly. I do calorie count, but mostly what calorie-counting does for me is 1)Remind me not to eat a lot of “empty” calories and 2)Remind me to eat UP to my calories. Ironically for a fat person, my problem has often been “not eating enough.”

So, that’s where I am. Thus far, I’ve lost ~17 pounds. I’m feeling better, but “better” depends on what the brain weasels are doing. And there’s still a way to go. I’ll let you know when I get there.

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  1. A lot of what you say applies to me as well. One of the things I can’t stand about “dieting” is that everyone feels the need to weigh in on it. Your body and your struggle is such a personal thing. You know what makes you feel better. People need to learn to repect that. Rant over. 😀

    • I absolutely don’t want to do anyone harm, so I figure a blanket warning for the whole blog is a good idea. I have friends who have eating disorders who I can’t talk about what I want with my body–it’s one of the reasons I started this blog.

      And if people are happy with where they are, good for them! I see no need to comment or judge others on their bodies. I think that Healthy At Every Size can work (and indeed, my dietician is a fan of it) but I also know that I’m not healthy. And I think that the people who try to talk me out of wanting to lose weight are just as problematic as those who judge anyone who’s overweight for being overweight. It’s denying me agency over my own body, and completely ignoring the fact that blah blah, educated, informed decision, and also I know how I feel and they don’t. I don’t believe (and medical data supports me) that weight loss under medical supervision is inherently unhealthy.

      … basically it boils down to me being cranky and all “GET OFF MY LAWN.” 😀

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