Archive for June, 2013

Being honest is hard

I had a friend contact me and say he appreciated my honesty about my weight. That I had “inspired” him.

I don’t feel inspirational. Mostly, I don’t feel like anything except a big old tired mess.

I injured my ankle on Sunday night. It’s still swollen and is turning all kinds of colours that skin should not be. I’m in pain, still. I went to Emergency because I thought it might be broken. The doctor’s opinion was a torn ligament. (Not that he would actually know. X-Rays only show bone fractures.)

At first, I didn’t eat because I got stressed. Then I ate junk, also because I got stressed. Then yesterday I did a half-decent effort at making good choices. Instead of getting a large bread roll and blowing out my calories completely, I got a packet of small wraps. I got roast beef from the deli and salad. I also got goat’s cheese, which–what the hell. It would have fitted into my calories.

Then I found the almond crisps at the supermarket.

I won’t even record the rest of the day. It basically involved binging on almond crisps and bread and not eating dinner.

The thing is, I have to recover from this. The scales have gone up, yes, but it’s only one day. What’s harder is not letting one day become two become a week become “why did I ever think I could do this?”

Today, I had a wrap and some goat’s cheese that I didn’t need. I was hungry, lunch was delayed (fire drill.) But that’s ok. It doesn’t blow my whole day out of the water. If I am careful not to twist my ankle, I think I can go for a walk tonight.

So, I  move on. It’s all I can do. I still want the goal of being a healthy weight. I’m still tired from four days of unhealthy food–but the way to stop that is not to eat more unhealthy “quick-fix” sugary, fatty food, it’s to start eating healthily again and wait for my body to catch up.

It doesn’t matter how many times I fall over on the way. So long as I continue to pick myself up and try to move forward, that’s the thing that counts.

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UGH

This is an old entry. I’m publishing it as a reminder to myself because the weekend is coming up and THIS STUFF HAPPENS. So I need to plan for it and circumvent it.

Basic summary: one day of the weekend I was AWESOME and prepped my food and took it out with me and STUCK TO IT even though I was out and about. What I didn’t do was drink enough water, but that’s hard to do when you’re out and about (and not always within handy reach of the facilities…)

Then the wheels fell off. I fell into my usual trap of “Wake up late, eat late, go out, forget to eat, lose the ability to cope, eat junk, want to eat more junk because sugar hit.”

Now today I’m feeling like crap. But the good thing was I made my lunch and packed my snacks last night, so I have support for making good decisions.


So. I don’t have [sport I attend religiously] this weekend. This frees up my weekends considerably. Still, I’m actually feeling fantastic at the moment. A combination of exercise, good diet and sleep has meant that I’m feeling fantastic. So. Things I have to do this weekend.

  • Make a shopping list
  • Go into costco.
  • Make soup
  • Go to a friend’s housewarming
  • Make kale chips

In addition to that, I’m going to go for a huge walk on Saturday. I think I’m going to make a practice of going out for a walk at least one day on the weekend. I really feel energised after last week.

My challenges for this weekend are threefold:

  • Get up at a decent time to put soup on, so that I can get out the door and get to Costco before the entire population of [city] descends on it. Prepare my snacks the night before. I know what I’ll be doing and when, so eat to support it.
  • Make sure I take enough water. Yes, that probably means ensuring I drink a heap at lunch, taking two bottles with me (one to leave in the car), and then refilling them before I go to the party.
  • If, at any time, things become too much, I will just leave. I have the ability to do that.

The hardest thing about taking care of myself is actually being realistic about what my capabilities are. I get stressed and feel frazzled when I don’t eat, or when I’m around people too long.

I’m starting to think that this entire process is not actually about losing weight. It’s about learning to take care of myself.

 

 

 

Settling in

I know that this is going to be a long journey. It’s very hard not to get impatient, though. I am seeing results, but slower than I’d like.

Still, I know that part of the reason that it’s best for it to take a long time is that I’m aiming for a long-term habit change. The way I was eating before was neither healthy nor sustainable. So now I’ve shifted to an eating pattern that is more sustainable, and by tracking it every day, I’m going to develop habits that will maintain my body and health. If I just can continue this, then the adjustment I have to make when I go onto maintaining my weight will be less.

I’m trying to get into the habit of going to bed earlier and waking up earlier. The waking up isn’t going so well, but I do feel better now I’m getting more sleep.

I’ve been doing yoga. I’ve found a site called “Do Yoga With Me.” It’s a fantastic resource. I can’t always make myself get out and go for a walk, but I can walk into the spare room and turn on my laptop. (I’d like to do yoga classes too, but finances and time do not allow that at the moment. Also, if I’m failing on getting to the gym, which is a 10 minute drive away, how’m I going to go on going to a yoga studio half an hour away?)

I’m going to do a whole heap of different classes, but I’m hoping to do a class that focusses on a different body part each day of the week. In addition to that, I’m going to start doing yoga pre and post my runs, to stretch out a little. I’m already finding it beneficial. I’ve had sciatica (not badly, but just a nagging pain) for the last couple of days. Last night I did an hour long class focussing on twists and stretches. I’m in no pain this morning.

Running is going fantastically. I managed to run the entire 15 minutes of the free-form run both of the last two sessions, and in the last session I felt like I could have gone faster.

The scale is bouncing up and down and I’m trying not to worry so long as the trend is down (it is). I’m also trying to be a bit more observant of what my body wants, within limits. Yesterday I ended up going for an extra walk because I wanted to eat ALL THE THINGS to balance my calories. Today, I’m going for a run, and I should be eating more, but I’m actually not hungry. I’m still eating–meals and at least one of my snacks every couple of hours is non-negotiable, but I don’t eat the second piece of fruit/yoghurt that I have room for in my calories if I’m not hungry.

Actually starting to listen

So, one of the things my dietician was red-hot on was “LISTEN TO YOUR BODY”. I was all “… lady, my body never told me not to when I got fat, so…”
Anyway. I’m trying to draw a line between “I have to eat every 2-3 hours” and “I’m not hungry.” I’m trying to eat something, even if it’s a piece of fruit.

 

There is room in my calories for a cookie or two. I ate my lunch and then I was all 😀 “… cookies nao?”

Then I paused for a second.

I checked my hunger levels. Nope. I’d just eaten lunch an hour and a half ago. Not hungry.

I waited another three quarters of an hour. OK, I was starting to get a little hungry.

I thought of eating a cookie. Nothing.

I thought of eating a banana. I started salivating.

So, I’m listening to my body. I’m having a banana, rather than a cookie.

It’s what my body wants, after all.

It’s just weird.

Dietician round 2

So, I went to see the dietician on the weekend.

She is EXCELLENT. She told me that I wasn’t eating enough, and also tried not to make faces of horror at my diet pre-beginning this. (She didn’t succeed. When I said to her “But I think I may need to up my intake a little more, because I am starting to get hungry,” she said “GOOD. It means your metabolism is starting to work!” I told her that I’d started eating my calories back, but I was still hungry. I’m trying not to go above my calorie count, but I’m listening to my body when it comes to eating. I do eat my planned snacks, but if I’m hungry I have additional snacks within my calorie count.)

She recommended adding two serves of carbohydrates. She was wonderful about working with my issues with foods (can’t eat dairy, don’t like rice, the potato’s natural partner is butter and I get cranky because I can’t eat it, I don’t like most grains.) Part of the reason I don’t eat bread is that I don’t have an “off” switch–I will sit down in front of a loaf of white bread and eat it until my stomach is hurting and then I will eat some more. She suggested eating multi-grain instead. I have to admit, it doesn’t provoke the same binge response, although I don’t like it enough to eat it every day. A couple of times a week, maybe.

Anyway, she recommended sweet potato as a possibility for one of my serves of carbs. I’m adding it to my salads and HOLY GOD. It tastes amazing and means that I WANT to eat my salad. Also, I went for a run last night. It was week 4, session 1 of Zombies Run to 5K.

I had heaps of energy for the early runs. There’s a section that is repetitions of slow and fast walks–I found that really boring and found it hard to walk slow. I kept on slipping into my natural pace, which is around 5km/hr. Then came the big test. A 15 minute run. I knew that it was coming up, and I’d based my calorie calculations for the day on running 7.5 minutes.

I RAN FOR 12 MINUTES. I only took a break because I got a stitch and walked it off. I wasn’t going super-fast, but I wasn’t gasping for breath and my legs didn’t feel like I was wading through concrete. It’s amazing what a difference eating to support my exercise makes.

She also mentioned that a serve of nuts is 20 almonds, not the 10 that I’ve been having, and she wanted me to add a serve of good fat to my diet to get my good cholesterol up. I’ve chosen avocado, but she said it could be another serve of nuts or a teaspoon of oil in my salad dressing or something.

(She also tried to get me to eat something like quiche for lunch and lol N O P E. Just. Eggs. No. It’s a texture thing.)

So, that’s where I’m at. I’ll see what the scales say tomorrow, but I’m pretty positive about this.