I have a confession

This is not my first time losing weight. Previously, I moved out to a sharehouse where I actually ate proper food. I lost 22pounds without noticing it, and then started going to the gym and lost a further 28 pounds.

Then work sent me away for three months and I had to live off take-away because I had no fridge space, and I didn’t have access to a gym. I gained those 28 pounds back again.

Then I moved out on my own. And I gained the 22 pounds back again, with a few extra as reinforcement. I didn’t use the scales, and I don’t have much idea about time-frames. I may have lost a few pounds along the way–I know that right now I’m buying a lower dress size than I was.

But this is where I am. In January of this year, I weighed 205.9 pounds.

I realise that’s not a lot compared to a lot of you. But it felt horrible to me. Being the new year and all, I decided to start a diet. I exercised. It lasted 19 days and I got down to 197.8 before my next door neighbour made a pass at me (gross. He’s old enough to be my grandfather and I was doing him a favour by walking his dog.) and I started drinking again. I got back up to 201-ish and stayed there for the next couple of months.

This time, I’m counting calories. I’m eating sensible food, and spacing my snacks through the day.

The thing is, I’ve done all this before, plus exercising a LOT more intensely. I have no idea why this is working this time, except that it is.

I know that it won’t always. I know that I need to lose at least 50 pounds to get down to a healthy weight for my height. I know that I’ll have plateaus and weight gains and I hope that I’m prepared for it. I’m prepared to seek help if I need to–I have a dietician’s appointment on Thursday.

What gets me is how dismissive the medical profession is. I told my doctor what I ate. She said “That’s it?” She suspected me of sneaking food. I showed her my food logs, how precisely I weighed out portions. She still seemed to think I was lying. I switched doctors. After I told the other one tartly that I had nothing to gain by lying and I was coming to her with a genuine problem. If she couldn’t suggest any possible avenues for exploration, then maybe she ought to consider further education.

And also that her manner was unhelpful.

(My Dad’s a doctor. I have high standards on what the medical profession should behave like.)

So. Here we are. I have no idea why things are working, except that they are.

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